The Art & Science of Giving

The holidays are almost upon us and as usual for this time of the year, we're all mulling over the sort of gifts to give our loved ones and colleagues. The thing that's sucking out the joy and pleasure of gift-giving this year are the increasing financial pressures of inflation driving us all to tighten our wallets. So how does one tackle this dilemma and keep the season and traditions of thankfulness alive?

In this blog post, I will share some of the research into giving and offer some ideas for how to overcome the pressures of this silly season.

Many moons ago, I discovered Gary Chapman's book on the 5 Love Languages, learning that each person is diverse in the way they show and receive love. Some prefer acts of service, others, words of affirmation, quality time, physical touch and receiving gifts. I was fascinated by this as I considered ways in which I prefer to receive love and then the ways in which I show my love. I was stumped by the realisation that whilst I prefer quality time with friends and family that I was often caught up in a cycle of "gift giving" to show my appreciation and love. Was my desire to give physical gifts driven by my inability to find the time to connect emotionally and spend quality time with my nearest and dearest? Or are we all just caught up in our consumerist society that makes us forget about the value of emotional connection over tangible gifts? It was a mixture of both for sure. Bringing awareness to this was an important lesson for me in taking the time to show my love in a way that mattered to my nearest and dearest.

Research into Giving

I'm sure you've all heard that giving, as opposed to receiving, leads to lasting happiness. Or that doing good, feels good. The question is why? Dan Batson, Professor Emeritus at the University of Kansas, provided a valuable perspective. He conducted decades of experiments into altruistic behavior, well summarized in his book Altruism in Humans. His conclusion is that human beings have an innate capacity for empathy, and this above all is the primary motivator for true altruism. Batson's research demonstrated that when your goal is to help others, the unintended consequence is self-benefit.

Another important study that demonstrates this gift of giving is Schwartz & Sender’s study into Multiple Sclerosis patients. They conducted a 2-year study into a group of MS patients who were asked to place a phone call each week to express love, care and concern to loved ones vs. a control group that received these type of phone calls from loved ones. Significant increases in psychological wellbeing, self-efficacy, confidence and competence were observed in those who placed the phone call. This group of patients were 8 times healthier by the end of the 2-year study in comparison to those that received the phone call. It was their contribution to a loved one’s wellbeing that caused them to flourish both physically and mentally (Schwartz & Sender, 1996). Absolutely astounding findings.

Ever wonder why sometimes family Holiday Parties are riddled with frustration and conflict? Oftentimes, it's because our expectations of this family celebration are so high, driven somewhat by a comparison bias and the focus on what we get rather than what we can give. As you have seen, the research shows that human beings are naturally empathetic and giving creatures but throw in the impossible picture-perfect dream of Christmas splashed all over brand advertising and social media and the pressure of this is enough to throw us out of our true nature. We end up focusing more on the tangible gift giving and on throwing the "perfect" lunch, rather than on our relationships with the people that matter.

According to relationship researcher John Gottman, we must all strive for a magic ratio of 5 positive statements for every 1 negative statement when speaking with the people in our lives to strengthen our relationships. So be sure to grab a pen and paper before heading to your family Christmas or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa lunch to keep score and prevent an emotional explosion!

Mindful Gift-Giving

So, what constitutes "helping others" in the context of gift giving? Before rushing out to the shops in a frenzy, consider what's meaningful to your gift recipient, what they value most and find how you can contribute your time, money, and energy towards that. It can be as simple as getting your mum a book on decluttering or creating a minimalist lifestyle as this has been her bug bear for some time, or it could be taking your grandmother out for a short drive to a beach she's been speaking so fondly about.

Last year, my son and I participated in a Cook4Good community initiative, where he and I had the privilege of cooking for people staying overnight in homeless shelters. The conversations that Zac and I had and the learnings that we gained will truly stand the test of time.

Learn from the studies shared above on how it's the contribution not the receipt of care and support that led to improvements in the giver's wellbeing. Find ways for your loved ones to contribute to others in some way, whether it be through a local charity or community initiative or contributing to others using your strengths. I will never forget the joy my late grandmother felt in gathering the extended family together for a feast that she prepared with her daughters, it was the act of giving through her strength in cooking that filled her heart and soul with the sort of joy that a physical gift could not bestow.

So, you may be able to afford things that sparkle and shine this year to gift to your loved ones, but if you cannot, do not fear, for tangible gift giving offer a fleeting moment of joy to the receiver, but it's their contribution to another's wellbeing through a phone call or gratitude visit that has a much larger impact on the emotional health and wellbeing of both the giver and the receiver.

Learn about how to carry out a mindfully crafted Gratitude Visit, by clicking on the button below:

Gratitude Visit Exercise - Free Download

If you would like to give the Gift of Wellbeing to those struggling with mental illness in your family, here is a link to our Gift Cards for Wellbeing Coaching www.realisedpotentialgroup.com/gift-card

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